I was sitting in front of the therapist that evening. It was a rough week. I was physically and emotionally spent. Frankly, I had not been exercising as much as I should have, and the stress of school kept piling up. There is a significant difference between undergrad and professional school. As a young professional, you have already gone through four years of undergraduate learning, in my case, I had worked in the industry for four years before returning to school and I was a student, an employee, a partner, a tutor, a daughter, a sister, and a friend. Life does not stop just because you are back in school.
Kudos to men and women in school who have families to provide for and kids to cater to. I had so much going on outside of classes that I needed to do. One week, it was a baby shower/naming ceremony that I had to drive five hours to attend and the next week, it was a friend’s wedding/birthday/graduation. The extracurricular stress was nothing compared to the turmoil within me. I needed to be strong, tough, and sharp; to have wit, grit, and edge; but somehow, I could not be all of that.
The therapist’s office was spacious enough to aid my claustrophobia and she had her napkins neatly arranged in the center of the room. I was not sure at first why they were so far away, but I finally understood that she was okay letting her patients cry for as long as they wanted and letting them grab the napkins themselves.
I felt so guilty being there. I did not deserve to be there. Other people had bigger struggles than what I was struggling with and here I was discussing an issue so flimsy. I said Dr. X, I do not know how to let anyone in. I have this wall blocking the “jelly” that I am on the inside. I am afraid that people would take advantage if they knew that I was a sweet person, and probably not the strong, black woman that I claimed to be.
Dr. X said, “why do you feel the need to be strong? What does that even mean to you?” She told me to ponder on that for the next week’s discussion.
Therefore, I am going to ask us today; when we look at our lives and our belief systems, where do they emanate from? What is the guiding force behind the ideologies that we hold? Do we judge other people by our own standards of what “‘strong or successful” means? Do you judge yourself by other people’s standards? Does your success exactly have to mirror that of your peers, or do we forge our own paths?
Before accepting an idea, question it; evaluate for yourself the source of the information you claim. Does it reflect God’s definition of who you are? It’s easier to conform than to stand alone but if we are truly to succeed, we would need to stand upon the shoulders of giants who have already been there while maintaining our authentic selves, whatever that looks like for us.
Cosmetics accentuates our beauty. Our clothes say a lot about our style and can totally influence people’s perception of who we are. But the quality of who we really are relies heavily on our internal force (our driving force). Not everyone has the time or money to go to a Dr. X for guidance and direction, but we always have a Dr. X in the Holy Spirit, who continually prays and intercedes for us, in whom we live, move and have our being.
When you feel like you are in the process or have arrived at the peak of your success; when you feel high or low; strong or weak; or when you have questions you cannot answer, remember that the Holy Spirit is a trusted confidante and that everything works together for your good.
____________
Sandra Ekoma is a worshipper, an adventurer, and an aspiring pharmacist. She can be reached at [email protected].